Clouds

Another day of retrospect. Tonight as I fight insomnia I led to ask about the meaning of these feelings. Some of the times I feel so much pain and anxiety. I feel things are so unfair. Some people get everything and others get nothing. I remember the times when I was one of the favored ones getting everything. I remember how others would express to me how upsetting it was not to be a favored one and my saying "one day you're time will come".

I like the feeling of being in the clouds. I like the warm floaty feeling I get. Flying above the world being able to see everything but not really being part of anything. The positive parts of being in pain is that it keeps you grounded and away for the clouds. You can't live in the clouds forever. That drifting floating feeling is meant to be enjoyed in doses.

Pain also is in doses. This anxiety won't last forever. I will be more than my pain or the anxiety I feel. I try different things (like just writing). Some of the time I try doing something that will make me feel a different feeling (like watching a comedy). These things keep me in the world and allow me to enjoy the clouds more when I do escape to them.

I remember this when it comes to eating. I have been dieting and restricting and fighting and wrestling with my own thoughts about eating since I was a teenager. Some of the time the fear of being hungry or being too full overwhelms but soothes me. Then I remember that this is false reality - like the clouds. They float over me (the thoughts and false promises). The "if's" are too great - what if I was a size smaller? What if I reached my goal weight. What if I had my ultimate career. All of these things intrigue and inspire me or used to.

Now what inspires me is this need to grow to accept where I am and be willing to change. Enjoying this feeling that's happening now (like how I'm just now getting sleepy). Without fully being in the now I can't really be in tune with my own needs and the ability to help myself - which is what I need the most