Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Another day of retrospect. Tonight as I fight insomnia I led to ask about the meaning of these feelings. Some of the times I feel so much pain and anxiety. I feel things are so unfair. Some people get everything and others get nothing. I remember the times when I was one of the favored ones getting everything. I remember how others would express to me how upsetting it was not to be a favored one and my saying "one day you're time will come".

I like the feeling of being in the clouds. I like the warm floaty feeling I get. Flying above the world being able to see everything but not really being part of anything. The positive parts of being in pain is that it keeps you grounded and away for the clouds. You can't live in the clouds forever. That drifting floating feeling is meant to be enjoyed in doses.

Pain also is in doses. This anxiety won't last forever. I will be more than my pain or the anxiety I feel. I try different things (like just writing). Some of the time I try doing something that will make me feel a different feeling (like watching a comedy). These things keep me in the world and allow me to enjoy the clouds more when I do escape to them.

I remember this when it comes to eating. I have been dieting and restricting and fighting and wrestling with my own thoughts about eating since I was a teenager. Some of the time the fear of being hungry or being too full overwhelms but soothes me. Then I remember that this is false reality - like the clouds. They float over me (the thoughts and false promises). The "if's" are too great - what if I was a size smaller? What if I reached my goal weight. What if I had my ultimate career. All of these things intrigue and inspire me or used to.

Now what inspires me is this need to grow to accept where I am and be willing to change. Enjoying this feeling that's happening now (like how I'm just now getting sleepy). Without fully being in the now I can't really be in tune with my own needs and the ability to help myself - which is what I need the most

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

What is it about food

I went to group tonight and without breaking confidentiality may I say what is it about food?
What is it that drives us crazy and makes us start arguments, wars, hatred, jealously and disease all for the love of food? What is it that gives it sooo much power over us? There's good food, bad food, healthy food, lack of food, food that shows you are wealthy, food that shows you are poor, food that gives you nutrients, food that causes disease, food that can be sold like gold, food that is thrown away that no one touches anymore because its touched a trash can but is a meal to someone who has none.
I haven't really thought of it much even though I think of its limiting powers immensley. Saying no to it used to give me so much power. Saying yes to it meant I was weak. Whether it was chocolate or nachos, it had control over my life, my waistline and some of the time my ability to function or get rest.
I hate food but need it to survive. I love food and can gorge for hours until my stomach hurts.
Food used to be my drug of choice. Fighting it has been a life long battle. I think I'm winning