Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Don't have much to say

Except I know that I am getting more and more sleepy the more mindful I am about eating. I also know that I can eat less and still be ok. Some of the time I'm cranky and even have a headache but other than that I survive. I know that I enjoy jogging and walking and that I'm getting faster and faster and I can now job for five minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. That's hilarious. Me on the treadmill and I'm not dying its incredible and wonderful and I love the feeling.

I'm enjoying my classes at school and I'm enjoying meeting the new people its been a truly humbling experience. Learning more about myself is such a gift and can be heartbreaking. See you next blog.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The O, J Craig, and all the rest

I keep looking at different commercials and weight loss plans and shaking my head in agony. I was rereading journals from the year 2001 and even though it was around 40 lbs ago the hurt and pain is still there. I keep reading how people keeping thinking the latest diet will work and it hurts me to my soul. I have been struggling with weight and being overweight since I was 12 years old. During my parents divorce and even afterwards I used food to stuff down the feelings of abandonment and shame I felt - who wants to be left alone? Certainly not a 12 year old girl. My mom had to work hard to raise myself and my sister and brother.

My best friend Cassandra introduced me to food. Her and I would hang out at her house (her mom was such a great cook) and we'd eat fried bologna and mashed potato sandwiches with Velveeta. We watched tv and hung out around the house. Her mom made us treats until dinner. I would have dinner with her family and then go home to my empty house. During this time I remember getting so large that my age and size of dress were the same. I had such anger at my mom for deserting me, my sister (I felt) deserted me too -- leaving to go live on her own. I was with my brother but he rarely was home and when he was, he would take his anger out on me. Not always in the nicest way - but he was hurting too.

These memories have been hidden for a long time but now through hard work and facing my problems and not eating them out has allowed me to become to start healing. My answer to weight loss is this, some people can drink and never be drinkers, some people can smoke joints and never be addicted, others can eat food and not be addicts. I, however, have been blessed and cursed with food addiction. However, this addiction has made me face things, be honest, learn to believe that only God can help me and not a weight loss gimmick or plan. Its hard to eat only when you're hungry, its hard to pray and ask for strength instead of reach for a cookie, its hard its hard but it works every time. Not fast, but surely. Exercising sucks - yes it does but the results are beautiful. I am happier, calluses and all. Today I walked 3.75 miles. In May I'm going to do a 10k this is the reward, living longer is the reward but being honest with myself was the beginning - not believe in an actress or superstar but believing in me.