What is it about food

I went to group tonight and without breaking confidentiality may I say what is it about food?
What is it that drives us crazy and makes us start arguments, wars, hatred, jealously and disease all for the love of food? What is it that gives it sooo much power over us? There's good food, bad food, healthy food, lack of food, food that shows you are wealthy, food that shows you are poor, food that gives you nutrients, food that causes disease, food that can be sold like gold, food that is thrown away that no one touches anymore because its touched a trash can but is a meal to someone who has none.
I haven't really thought of it much even though I think of its limiting powers immensley. Saying no to it used to give me so much power. Saying yes to it meant I was weak. Whether it was chocolate or nachos, it had control over my life, my waistline and some of the time my ability to function or get rest.
I hate food but need it to survive. I love food and can gorge for hours until my stomach hurts.
Food used to be my drug of choice. Fighting it has been a life long battle. I think I'm winning

Another day another meeting another picture

So ran a 5k yesterday I was so excited and happy and thrilled and Steph and I did such a great job. But then I got home and was tired and not hungry so I ate mindfully and we took a nap. Then I had a sensible bowl of cereal (non - gluten in case you want to know). That's when my binge started. Maria and I made mexican food the day before and I heart mexican food so much so there was left over green chili and pork and tortillas and white cheese so yummy. I started with nachos, that turned into green chili and chips that turned pizza and wings and on and on. Until my stomach was soooo full and hurtful and I just wondered what the hell am I doing?

I've been very mindful about my eating. Allowing myself what I want and getting rid of the rest by throwing it away. What made me want to just gorge? I think its me. When I get tired I want to eat, when my body is in pain, I want to eat, if I fight with Shary about dishes, I want to eat.

Then after OA meeting tonight I went online to see my pictures from the race. OMG ok I thought I doing so much better! I looked huge! My thighs, calves, everything it was such a let down. So add to my list of what makes me trigger to eat I now add pictures of myself. So far that leaves:
1) Restrictions
2) Sleepy
3) Eating in front of tv
4) Trying to hard to be perfect
5) Frustrations at work
6) Not journaling
7) Pictures of me
8) Weighing myself
9) After therapy

So far that's about it right? My next step for OA is my inventory. This I think will be a little more difficult. Inventoring all of your flaws for all to see...hmmm but I live for my meetings I do twice a week and they are amazing (different locations but still the same soul and love). Without them and God helping me I know I would be a lot worst off. Write ya later

Don't have much to say

Except I know that I am getting more and more sleepy the more mindful I am about eating. I also know that I can eat less and still be ok. Some of the time I'm cranky and even have a headache but other than that I survive. I know that I enjoy jogging and walking and that I'm getting faster and faster and I can now job for five minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. That's hilarious. Me on the treadmill and I'm not dying its incredible and wonderful and I love the feeling.

I'm enjoying my classes at school and I'm enjoying meeting the new people its been a truly humbling experience. Learning more about myself is such a gift and can be heartbreaking. See you next blog.

The O, J Craig, and all the rest

I keep looking at different commercials and weight loss plans and shaking my head in agony. I was rereading journals from the year 2001 and even though it was around 40 lbs ago the hurt and pain is still there. I keep reading how people keeping thinking the latest diet will work and it hurts me to my soul. I have been struggling with weight and being overweight since I was 12 years old. During my parents divorce and even afterwards I used food to stuff down the feelings of abandonment and shame I felt - who wants to be left alone? Certainly not a 12 year old girl. My mom had to work hard to raise myself and my sister and brother.

My best friend Cassandra introduced me to food. Her and I would hang out at her house (her mom was such a great cook) and we'd eat fried bologna and mashed potato sandwiches with Velveeta. We watched tv and hung out around the house. Her mom made us treats until dinner. I would have dinner with her family and then go home to my empty house. During this time I remember getting so large that my age and size of dress were the same. I had such anger at my mom for deserting me, my sister (I felt) deserted me too -- leaving to go live on her own. I was with my brother but he rarely was home and when he was, he would take his anger out on me. Not always in the nicest way - but he was hurting too.

These memories have been hidden for a long time but now through hard work and facing my problems and not eating them out has allowed me to become to start healing. My answer to weight loss is this, some people can drink and never be drinkers, some people can smoke joints and never be addicted, others can eat food and not be addicts. I, however, have been blessed and cursed with food addiction. However, this addiction has made me face things, be honest, learn to believe that only God can help me and not a weight loss gimmick or plan. Its hard to eat only when you're hungry, its hard to pray and ask for strength instead of reach for a cookie, its hard its hard but it works every time. Not fast, but surely. Exercising sucks - yes it does but the results are beautiful. I am happier, calluses and all. Today I walked 3.75 miles. In May I'm going to do a 10k this is the reward, living longer is the reward but being honest with myself was the beginning - not believe in an actress or superstar but believing in me.

Pretty good job so far

I've been doing a great job doing my every damn day workout plan. I've been working out at least 30 minutes per day since December 29. Is it hard - yup! I'm also really focusing on my nutrition, keeping to my ww points I need for the day and starting a new supplement of chromium picolinate 200 1 per day and whey protein after I work out. I've also starting thinking about taking mx-ls7 from iSatori, but not sure right now. I'm only taking one a day because i have high blood pressure but I will see what happens and let you know.

My biggest issue is that I'm trying to lose more than I did last year and get in better shape overall. (Hence the working out and strength training every day). I want more overall core strength better and trying to do more cardio to get my waist and hips smaller. We shall see :)

In 365 days

I lost 34 lbs, I realized I can run, I allowed myself to cry, I was honest with myself, I told the truth even when it wasn't popular, I spoke out when I knew things were wrong, I shut up when I knew it was the best option.

I did Chalene Extreme without dying, I learned I love the series Snapped, I volunteered at a women's prison and learned more from them, I sang in the choir again, I let my heart open up and let others in, I learned that there are people out there with only their own interests at heart, I learned that taking time for myself is not selfish, I married the girl of my dreams, I watched my daughter graduate without her father around, I watched my daughter and her father get closer - without my help, I watched my daughter's stepmother disappear from her life without saying a word, I witnessed the miracle of old friends coming back into my life, I watched as my best friend and sister moved away.

I saw my hair grow 5 more inches, I saw myself decrease in dress size from a 20 to a 14/16, I decided to change careers, I learned that I do like myself at times, I learned that I like to read the Bible, I allowed myself to listen to the only CD I've sung on, I learned to kill moths and spiders all on my own, I let myself be weak enough to ask for help, I let myself be strong enough not to let others walk over me.

I learned I liked red kitchen walls, I watched my house decrease in value by $40,000, I watched as my income decreased by $3000 due to a budget shortfall, I learned that we would make it by being creative, I began crocheting again, I said goodbye to a doggie.

Here is to another 365 days

Recommitment to Weight Loss

I thought now, Christmas day, would be a great time to look at my progress and recommit. Last year on this day (well December 27) I weighed 217-219 today I weigh 183. After one year I've lost almost 35 pounds and I'm still going. I'm putting up these pictures to show where I came from. Everything that I've read says this is the best way to remind yourself whenever you want to overeat so here I was in March of 2008

And here is me on wedding day October 8, 2009.

Here I am on Christmas day one year later. I have more to go but I am taking this time to give myself a kudos I think its important to remind myself where I've come from and where I'm going. I hope next years pictures are just as good. I'll be able to look at this from wherever just to keep me on track.