Prison Visit

Why did I go to prison? I was curious of volunteering in a place where I could make a difference. Also, I was hoping to make some connection and to learn about others. Mostly I was scared and do not like being lead by fear. As we started service it was clear that many of these women knew more about life and even the bible than I ever would. We sang songs, shared stores and talked about God's love together. Our chaplain reminded us that all of us have some type of prison. The only difference is that their crimes have been judged and they are physically constrained. Many of us on the outside do not have this luxury and I mean luxury. They have to continue their lives in guilt, addiction and fear. Dealing with their imprisoned state with no walls. Prisoners have time to think and prepare and work and worship and repent. Many of us go about our lives and never try to do these things. We are too busy with our lives to even try. Too busy to think that are time is short and that we only have a brief moment to make a difference. To touch others, to pray and repent or even to make amends to those we've hurt. This prison outside is just as real. Visiting prison made me strangely aware of how imprisoned I am here on the outside.

188

Its just a number I know but 188 to me is 28.8 pounds given away. Given away to a disease of compulsion to eat and eat and eat. Its years of thinking that extra cake was going to make me happy. That bliss came in nachos. That no one would love the real me. I have had a beautiful last few years. I have gone up and down and over and under as you know but today I have made a turning point. Over the last few weeks really. I have pushed my body to the limits, lifted heavy weights, hiked up a mountain and did the elliptical.

Throughout the next few months my journey continues. One realistic expectation is that I keep writing about my feelings and thoughts, keep being natural with myself and keep doing good for others. I feel this is why I'm here. Really not to go through a battle with weight but to be a soldier in the army of right. Not holier than thou right but right enough to see something right in front of me and try to make a difference.

I'm starting with leaving the focus of "me" and turning it to community. I am starting by volunteering at a homeless shelter for youth simply by being there and listening to teenagers from time to time. The agency is called Urban Peak http://www.urbanpeak.org/. I'm excited about this new journey and I hope I do my higher power justice!

As I continue to grow & give away I am also amazed at my hair. Its interesting that just like my weight, the less I focus on it and just let it be and shine on its own the better it does.

10% Weight Loss

This is insane! 10% down. 10% of my body weight has been given away - not lost - I don't want it back at all. I got to meet with my doctor and we figured out my goal weight which will be under 30 BMI. Very healthy and exciting for me, I want to be a WW leader by my next birthday.

Life is looking up :)

Another loss Another gain

Here I am again. Wow I'm at 196. 196! I'm in a size 16 (I haven't been there since well I don't remember). I started going to counseling to see why I keep fighting this weight. I'm feeling so much healthier on this new life. I think I've turned a corner. I no longer want to go back. I feel challenged and happier and healthier yes - however I feel like I'm mourning the old me. I don't want to see her again. I'm breaking up with her and not returning.

I've been with her for so long, she's served me well. She's been my protection and now we're saying goodbye to each other. Now I'm seeing the new me. The new me is exciting. She likes to work out, she likes healthier snacks, she eats out now and then but chooses on the better side of the menu. She's learning to garden, she's learning to swim. She's enthusiastic, she likes long walks, she likes bringing her food with her and asking how meals are prepared. She's fun to be around, she's vulnerable, charming, attentive and a good friend. I'm glad I met my new friend. I hope we have a great long relationship! :)

Under 200

That's such a weird thing! Under 200 I haven't been here since maybe 5 years ago. Its wonderful, its weird, its lovely, its scary. Its a sign to keep going....

Bicyclez

BTW we both got cool bikes, here we are

Losing Losing 1 2 3

Favorite quote from the meeting today "If you kinda work the plan it kinda works, if you really work the plan it really works!". Veryy cool. I feel encouraged. You may ask what am I doing? Well I'm on weight watchers (have been since January 1, 2009). I eat 25 points per day (whole grains, lean meats, dairy, five veggies & 2 fruit). I also exercise I call it - EDD - every dang day. No, I don't go to the gym everyday but I do ride my bike, do Chalene Extreme DVD at home (strength training), walk at least 1.5 miles, do Chalene DVD Turbo Jam and some of the time Dancing off the Pounds Ball room. I really mix it up. If I don't do a DVD then I'm walking at lunch, if I don't walk at lunch I come home and do 30 min of strength training, etc. Its hard yes. There are times I wanna sit on my booty and just eat and eat and eat. But I've been down that road and I know what it is.

I am so close to under 200 now, I can see and feel it. this is the picture that got me started, its also my picture that I will keep going to, here's the picture of me in the same shirt 17 lbs later. If I keep this up Steph says I'll be at 180 by the wedding. That will be good but I want it to be great. I wanna be Biggest Loser great ya know? 150 or 160? Slow and stead win the race right?