In 365 days

I lost 34 lbs, I realized I can run, I allowed myself to cry, I was honest with myself, I told the truth even when it wasn't popular, I spoke out when I knew things were wrong, I shut up when I knew it was the best option.

I did Chalene Extreme without dying, I learned I love the series Snapped, I volunteered at a women's prison and learned more from them, I sang in the choir again, I let my heart open up and let others in, I learned that there are people out there with only their own interests at heart, I learned that taking time for myself is not selfish, I married the girl of my dreams, I watched my daughter graduate without her father around, I watched my daughter and her father get closer - without my help, I watched my daughter's stepmother disappear from her life without saying a word, I witnessed the miracle of old friends coming back into my life, I watched as my best friend and sister moved away.

I saw my hair grow 5 more inches, I saw myself decrease in dress size from a 20 to a 14/16, I decided to change careers, I learned that I do like myself at times, I learned that I like to read the Bible, I allowed myself to listen to the only CD I've sung on, I learned to kill moths and spiders all on my own, I let myself be weak enough to ask for help, I let myself be strong enough not to let others walk over me.

I learned I liked red kitchen walls, I watched my house decrease in value by $40,000, I watched as my income decreased by $3000 due to a budget shortfall, I learned that we would make it by being creative, I began crocheting again, I said goodbye to a doggie.

Here is to another 365 days

Recommitment to Weight Loss

I thought now, Christmas day, would be a great time to look at my progress and recommit. Last year on this day (well December 27) I weighed 217-219 today I weigh 183. After one year I've lost almost 35 pounds and I'm still going. I'm putting up these pictures to show where I came from. Everything that I've read says this is the best way to remind yourself whenever you want to overeat so here I was in March of 2008

And here is me on wedding day October 8, 2009.

Here I am on Christmas day one year later. I have more to go but I am taking this time to give myself a kudos I think its important to remind myself where I've come from and where I'm going. I hope next years pictures are just as good. I'll be able to look at this from wherever just to keep me on track.

Prison Visit

Why did I go to prison? I was curious of volunteering in a place where I could make a difference. Also, I was hoping to make some connection and to learn about others. Mostly I was scared and do not like being lead by fear. As we started service it was clear that many of these women knew more about life and even the bible than I ever would. We sang songs, shared stores and talked about God's love together. Our chaplain reminded us that all of us have some type of prison. The only difference is that their crimes have been judged and they are physically constrained. Many of us on the outside do not have this luxury and I mean luxury. They have to continue their lives in guilt, addiction and fear. Dealing with their imprisoned state with no walls. Prisoners have time to think and prepare and work and worship and repent. Many of us go about our lives and never try to do these things. We are too busy with our lives to even try. Too busy to think that are time is short and that we only have a brief moment to make a difference. To touch others, to pray and repent or even to make amends to those we've hurt. This prison outside is just as real. Visiting prison made me strangely aware of how imprisoned I am here on the outside.

188

Its just a number I know but 188 to me is 28.8 pounds given away. Given away to a disease of compulsion to eat and eat and eat. Its years of thinking that extra cake was going to make me happy. That bliss came in nachos. That no one would love the real me. I have had a beautiful last few years. I have gone up and down and over and under as you know but today I have made a turning point. Over the last few weeks really. I have pushed my body to the limits, lifted heavy weights, hiked up a mountain and did the elliptical.

Throughout the next few months my journey continues. One realistic expectation is that I keep writing about my feelings and thoughts, keep being natural with myself and keep doing good for others. I feel this is why I'm here. Really not to go through a battle with weight but to be a soldier in the army of right. Not holier than thou right but right enough to see something right in front of me and try to make a difference.

I'm starting with leaving the focus of "me" and turning it to community. I am starting by volunteering at a homeless shelter for youth simply by being there and listening to teenagers from time to time. The agency is called Urban Peak http://www.urbanpeak.org/. I'm excited about this new journey and I hope I do my higher power justice!

As I continue to grow & give away I am also amazed at my hair. Its interesting that just like my weight, the less I focus on it and just let it be and shine on its own the better it does.

10% Weight Loss

This is insane! 10% down. 10% of my body weight has been given away - not lost - I don't want it back at all. I got to meet with my doctor and we figured out my goal weight which will be under 30 BMI. Very healthy and exciting for me, I want to be a WW leader by my next birthday.

Life is looking up :)

Another loss Another gain

Here I am again. Wow I'm at 196. 196! I'm in a size 16 (I haven't been there since well I don't remember). I started going to counseling to see why I keep fighting this weight. I'm feeling so much healthier on this new life. I think I've turned a corner. I no longer want to go back. I feel challenged and happier and healthier yes - however I feel like I'm mourning the old me. I don't want to see her again. I'm breaking up with her and not returning.

I've been with her for so long, she's served me well. She's been my protection and now we're saying goodbye to each other. Now I'm seeing the new me. The new me is exciting. She likes to work out, she likes healthier snacks, she eats out now and then but chooses on the better side of the menu. She's learning to garden, she's learning to swim. She's enthusiastic, she likes long walks, she likes bringing her food with her and asking how meals are prepared. She's fun to be around, she's vulnerable, charming, attentive and a good friend. I'm glad I met my new friend. I hope we have a great long relationship! :)

Under 200

That's such a weird thing! Under 200 I haven't been here since maybe 5 years ago. Its wonderful, its weird, its lovely, its scary. Its a sign to keep going....

Bicyclez

BTW we both got cool bikes, here we are

Losing Losing 1 2 3

Favorite quote from the meeting today "If you kinda work the plan it kinda works, if you really work the plan it really works!". Veryy cool. I feel encouraged. You may ask what am I doing? Well I'm on weight watchers (have been since January 1, 2009). I eat 25 points per day (whole grains, lean meats, dairy, five veggies & 2 fruit). I also exercise I call it - EDD - every dang day. No, I don't go to the gym everyday but I do ride my bike, do Chalene Extreme DVD at home (strength training), walk at least 1.5 miles, do Chalene DVD Turbo Jam and some of the time Dancing off the Pounds Ball room. I really mix it up. If I don't do a DVD then I'm walking at lunch, if I don't walk at lunch I come home and do 30 min of strength training, etc. Its hard yes. There are times I wanna sit on my booty and just eat and eat and eat. But I've been down that road and I know what it is.

I am so close to under 200 now, I can see and feel it. this is the picture that got me started, its also my picture that I will keep going to, here's the picture of me in the same shirt 17 lbs later. If I keep this up Steph says I'll be at 180 by the wedding. That will be good but I want it to be great. I wanna be Biggest Loser great ya know? 150 or 160? Slow and stead win the race right?

Not much to say today

Lots to think about though. I'm officially down 14 lbs! That's incredible to me, but more importantly its a scary time. Usually when I get this close to under 200 I really do sabotage. I talked to my WW leader and am trying to reframe and story board - basically plan what I'm going to do in situations that get to me. Some of the time I don't want to work out, some of the time I want to eat and eat and eat when I'm stressed - which is a lot more than I care to mention - at work. The politics, back stabbing, etc. It gets to me, I then have to think, I die from to much stress or because I ate myself to death these same people would be first in line to say something ugly at my funeral!

So I strive to give the best of myself, I try to be better, I work out harder, trying to lift more weights, train harder, eat less, splurge less (but still be satisfied). My new life is a scary road but I'm willing to keep training

By the way here's my new bike I'm getting for B-Day

Changing Careers

So most of the time I do blogging on my hair and today I'm getting it retightened.

While I'm getting it retightened we have lots of time to talk and reflect. We've had a hard couple weeks. A friend of hers, Eric Jerome Hill (53) died suddenly of a heart attack. It's been surreal, I find myself thinking about death and not waking up one morning more and more. What's that about? I don't know but I think that we all get shown things in life to help us make good decisions. Part of my good decisions includes making sure I'm eating healthier and working out daily. As I get stronger and lose more weight (I'm down 11 lbs) I think about my own mortality and what I want my legacy to be.

I enjoy my job I feel I do a great job, however, I know my calling is to teach and inspire. This makes me think of a change in careers. How can I blend technology and my love for inspiring others into a good career? I too may not wake up one day and in that day I want to know I did as much of what the universe either God or the Goddess wants me to fulfill so that I can meet them and have them proud of what I did. Whether you agree with my faith or not, I feel that you are shown things in the order you are to receive them. For example, Eric's death was meant to touch me but I feel its for a bigger reason other than to make me saddened. It was to show me that time is short and that I have to get started and working harder and harder because if my time is like his, I only have 15 years to live, to love, to complete my journey to perfect myself. Its not a long time, but even 30 years is a short time to perfect onself.

I am reenrolling in school to get my counseling certificate (yes another master's) but with this I can continue slowly doing what I feel God wants me to do. Yes, this blog is deeper than about my hair but my life is not my hair, my life isn't even mine I feel. Its about giving my life to others and hopefully giving them joy and happiness :) Peace and love to everyone that reads my blog because your blogs feed my soul as well!

Soul Men

Check out my new facebook group for locked sisters and brothers.

I'm getting my hair retightened now by my sister - which is incredible because her birthday is next week - come check it out
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=8741&post=34838&uid=67511646083#/group.php?gid=67511646083

I'll try and have good items for you to discuss :) Peace and locked soul