Today again

I started ww again last week. After the first week of pouting like a child and having 50 points days I gained 2 lbs.

So today I have tried even harder to stay on track without making myself feel bad. I noticed that I am also wanting to overeat more and more like I haven't learned anything from my two years of hard work.

Hmmm I wonder what made last time so different and maybe easier. I think it is back to me being kind to myself and not allowing things I cannot control to dictate this disease and its effect on me.

tomorrow is an even better day but for now today is what i have.

Hmmmm split pea soup

I'm getting ready to go to my nephews play but more than that I'm feeling that warm anxious scared feeling that comes when I don't have any substances (sugar or flour) in my body.

I've started going back to meetings and working on myself again. I'm also very excited to work on helping another starting Not for Profit get started and it may be my opportunity to get started too.

I helped a friend of mine with a terrible issue. He's being attacked at work by his team, his supervisor and even the supervisor above him - very ugly very nasty and will get very serious soon. I pray for his exoneration and strength. Its so hard when you feel exhiled. I remember it well. I lift him up to the universe to help protect him.

I write, I journal, I plan my food and I try not to weigh myself. Also I feel. It seems like I feel everything. When something is going well - I feel. When something is hurting - I feel even more. I dream about the job and my successes. I worry about my daughter going away to college. I worry that I am making the wrong decision at pretty much every step. But then other times I am confident, and happy and know that I am right on track for what God wants for me. Its soo odd

So the title? I don't know I feel like making split pea soup for dinner and then I started writing first.

Clouds

Another day of retrospect. Tonight as I fight insomnia I led to ask about the meaning of these feelings. Some of the times I feel so much pain and anxiety. I feel things are so unfair. Some people get everything and others get nothing. I remember the times when I was one of the favored ones getting everything. I remember how others would express to me how upsetting it was not to be a favored one and my saying "one day you're time will come".

I like the feeling of being in the clouds. I like the warm floaty feeling I get. Flying above the world being able to see everything but not really being part of anything. The positive parts of being in pain is that it keeps you grounded and away for the clouds. You can't live in the clouds forever. That drifting floating feeling is meant to be enjoyed in doses.

Pain also is in doses. This anxiety won't last forever. I will be more than my pain or the anxiety I feel. I try different things (like just writing). Some of the time I try doing something that will make me feel a different feeling (like watching a comedy). These things keep me in the world and allow me to enjoy the clouds more when I do escape to them.

I remember this when it comes to eating. I have been dieting and restricting and fighting and wrestling with my own thoughts about eating since I was a teenager. Some of the time the fear of being hungry or being too full overwhelms but soothes me. Then I remember that this is false reality - like the clouds. They float over me (the thoughts and false promises). The "if's" are too great - what if I was a size smaller? What if I reached my goal weight. What if I had my ultimate career. All of these things intrigue and inspire me or used to.

Now what inspires me is this need to grow to accept where I am and be willing to change. Enjoying this feeling that's happening now (like how I'm just now getting sleepy). Without fully being in the now I can't really be in tune with my own needs and the ability to help myself - which is what I need the most

What is it about food

I went to group tonight and without breaking confidentiality may I say what is it about food?
What is it that drives us crazy and makes us start arguments, wars, hatred, jealously and disease all for the love of food? What is it that gives it sooo much power over us? There's good food, bad food, healthy food, lack of food, food that shows you are wealthy, food that shows you are poor, food that gives you nutrients, food that causes disease, food that can be sold like gold, food that is thrown away that no one touches anymore because its touched a trash can but is a meal to someone who has none.
I haven't really thought of it much even though I think of its limiting powers immensley. Saying no to it used to give me so much power. Saying yes to it meant I was weak. Whether it was chocolate or nachos, it had control over my life, my waistline and some of the time my ability to function or get rest.
I hate food but need it to survive. I love food and can gorge for hours until my stomach hurts.
Food used to be my drug of choice. Fighting it has been a life long battle. I think I'm winning

Another day another meeting another picture

So ran a 5k yesterday I was so excited and happy and thrilled and Steph and I did such a great job. But then I got home and was tired and not hungry so I ate mindfully and we took a nap. Then I had a sensible bowl of cereal (non - gluten in case you want to know). That's when my binge started. Maria and I made mexican food the day before and I heart mexican food so much so there was left over green chili and pork and tortillas and white cheese so yummy. I started with nachos, that turned into green chili and chips that turned pizza and wings and on and on. Until my stomach was soooo full and hurtful and I just wondered what the hell am I doing?

I've been very mindful about my eating. Allowing myself what I want and getting rid of the rest by throwing it away. What made me want to just gorge? I think its me. When I get tired I want to eat, when my body is in pain, I want to eat, if I fight with Shary about dishes, I want to eat.

Then after OA meeting tonight I went online to see my pictures from the race. OMG ok I thought I doing so much better! I looked huge! My thighs, calves, everything it was such a let down. So add to my list of what makes me trigger to eat I now add pictures of myself. So far that leaves:
1) Restrictions
2) Sleepy
3) Eating in front of tv
4) Trying to hard to be perfect
5) Frustrations at work
6) Not journaling
7) Pictures of me
8) Weighing myself
9) After therapy

So far that's about it right? My next step for OA is my inventory. This I think will be a little more difficult. Inventoring all of your flaws for all to see...hmmm but I live for my meetings I do twice a week and they are amazing (different locations but still the same soul and love). Without them and God helping me I know I would be a lot worst off. Write ya later

Don't have much to say

Except I know that I am getting more and more sleepy the more mindful I am about eating. I also know that I can eat less and still be ok. Some of the time I'm cranky and even have a headache but other than that I survive. I know that I enjoy jogging and walking and that I'm getting faster and faster and I can now job for five minutes without feeling like I'm going to pass out. That's hilarious. Me on the treadmill and I'm not dying its incredible and wonderful and I love the feeling.

I'm enjoying my classes at school and I'm enjoying meeting the new people its been a truly humbling experience. Learning more about myself is such a gift and can be heartbreaking. See you next blog.

The O, J Craig, and all the rest

I keep looking at different commercials and weight loss plans and shaking my head in agony. I was rereading journals from the year 2001 and even though it was around 40 lbs ago the hurt and pain is still there. I keep reading how people keeping thinking the latest diet will work and it hurts me to my soul. I have been struggling with weight and being overweight since I was 12 years old. During my parents divorce and even afterwards I used food to stuff down the feelings of abandonment and shame I felt - who wants to be left alone? Certainly not a 12 year old girl. My mom had to work hard to raise myself and my sister and brother.

My best friend Cassandra introduced me to food. Her and I would hang out at her house (her mom was such a great cook) and we'd eat fried bologna and mashed potato sandwiches with Velveeta. We watched tv and hung out around the house. Her mom made us treats until dinner. I would have dinner with her family and then go home to my empty house. During this time I remember getting so large that my age and size of dress were the same. I had such anger at my mom for deserting me, my sister (I felt) deserted me too -- leaving to go live on her own. I was with my brother but he rarely was home and when he was, he would take his anger out on me. Not always in the nicest way - but he was hurting too.

These memories have been hidden for a long time but now through hard work and facing my problems and not eating them out has allowed me to become to start healing. My answer to weight loss is this, some people can drink and never be drinkers, some people can smoke joints and never be addicted, others can eat food and not be addicts. I, however, have been blessed and cursed with food addiction. However, this addiction has made me face things, be honest, learn to believe that only God can help me and not a weight loss gimmick or plan. Its hard to eat only when you're hungry, its hard to pray and ask for strength instead of reach for a cookie, its hard its hard but it works every time. Not fast, but surely. Exercising sucks - yes it does but the results are beautiful. I am happier, calluses and all. Today I walked 3.75 miles. In May I'm going to do a 10k this is the reward, living longer is the reward but being honest with myself was the beginning - not believe in an actress or superstar but believing in me.